Grandma A & Grandma B

This is an idea I might develop later on.

Grandma A is a cynic. She sits in front of her old 32 inch LG TV set and mutters expletives when the remote control doesn’t work. The most pressed buttons on the remote are 2 and 7. The channel on number 22 is Colors and the one on 7 is GEO News. If one enters the living room at any time between 7:30AM to 10:30PM, Colors will be on and some Indian mother-in-law clad in a colorful saree with a gigantic bindi on her forehead will be chastising an innocent young woman who never intended to let the glass of milk ruin the rangoli on Diwali; no, really, she didn’t mean to let anything happen but things just happened to her because she’s so innocent and so very very good. Grandma A shakes her head thrice in an hour. If she does it more times than that, she has to take an extra Panadol for the day.

She lives in a perpetual state of irony which means Grandma A only watches these TV dramas to roll her eyes and poke fun at the goody two shoes bahu, the stereotypical saas, and worst of all, the clueless husband. She loves to hate the caricatures. That’s how she entertains herself. The only time she doesn’t hate on these caricatures is after 10:30PM when she switches to the news and catches up on the world outside her living room.

Grandma B is the evil mother-in-law from Grandma A’s TV dramas without the saree or the bindi. Grandma B likes to oppress her daughter-in-law, and show off her designer suits in her circle of similar socialites. She spends the first quarter of her day taunting anyone she can set her eyes on. “Oh my god, are you seriously going to wear that to Hena’s place?” “Seriously, Hamid, you’re drooling all over the place. Put your teeth back in.” “Oh, no, we’re not going to Hena’s with you. Some of us have self-respect. Ha-ha.” “I wish someone in this house would listen to me!”

The middle half of her day is spent getting ready, meeting people, and offending everyone with her superior opinions. The last quarter of her day is always spent arguing with Grandma A in front of the old 32 inch LG TV. The last quarter is more entertaining than the rest of her day.

Grandma B: I don’t get how you can tolerate these dramas. All this crying and terrible fashion sense! Oh and the constant music. How does that not give you a headache?

Grandma A: Living with you for the first sixteen years of my life has really prepared me for the worst.

B: God! Can you ever have one nice thing to say about your little sister?

A: You call that little? I’m surprised you haven’t had a heart attack yet.

B: Don’t speak nonsense. I keep myself in perfect shape.

A: Yes, dear. You’re a perfect round.

B: Well, at least I don’t spend my entire day sitting on my butt and watching terrible television.

A: Thank heavens because I don’t think your butt could take all that weight.

A is probably the only one in the world who is able to have the last word when it comes to B. If one would ask B, she’d say “Oh, I let her. The old hag has been living alone for too long.”

“Alone?” One would question.

“I mean, she has a son but he’s almost always never around especially ever since his younger brother and father passed away. And that was twenty some years ago, you know. The stupid boy doesn’t even get married. Get her a daughter-in-law. She’ll stop getting the kicks from those god forsaken dramas. I always tell her that she’s…”


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